What does the Bible say about FATE / DESTINY?

This is a very complex issue, and we will start with what the Bible does not teach. Fate is usually thought of as a predetermined course of events beyond human control. if we can’t change destiny, then why even try? Whatever happens, happens, and we can’t do anything about it. This is called “FATALISM” and it is not Biblical.

Fatalism is a major premise of Islam, which demands total submission to the sovereignty of Allah. It is widely held in Hinduism, too. Greek mythology told of the Moirai, or the Fates, three goddesses pictured as weavers of men’s lives. Their decisions could not be cancelled or annulled, even by other gods. Again, fatalism is not a Biblical Concept.

Fate and destiny -Our free Will:

The Bible teaches that Man was created with the ability to make moral choices and that he is responsible for those choices. The Fall of Man was not a predetermined event in which Adam and Eve were helpless victims of a Puppet-Master God. On the contrary, Adam and his wife had the ability to choose obedience (with its attendant blessing) or disobedience (with its consequent curse). They knew what the result of their decision would be and they were held accountable. (Genesis 3 )

This theme of being held accountable for our choices continues throughout Scripture. “He who sows wickedness reaps trouble” (Proverbs 22:8a). “All hard work brings a profit, / but mere talk leads only to poverty” (Proverbs 14:23). “Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will command you” (Romans 13:3).

Often, when the Bible speaks of destiny, it’s in reference to a destiny people have brought upon themselves: “Many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction” (Philippians 3:18-19). “This is the fate of those who trust in themselves” (Psalm 49:13). “A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; / whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32). “Each person was judged according to what he had done” (Revelation 20:13).

 We sin because we choose to. We can’t blame “Fate,” kismet, predestination, or God. James 1:13-14 says, “When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.”

Interestingly, many people who choose to sin are annoyed by the negative consequences of their sin. “A man’s own folly ruins his life, / yet his heart rages against the LORD” (Proverbs 19:3). This is a very insightful verse. When a man foolishly wrecks his life, he may yet insist on blaming God, or perhaps “Fate.” In this way, he persists in his folly.

Scripture also teaches that we choose to have faith. The oft-repeated command in Scripture to believe implies that we do have a choice in the matter. “Be not faithless, but believing” (John 20:27; see also Acts 16:31; 19:4).

Fate and Destiny -God’s Sovereignty:

Lest we get the wrong idea, we are not the sovereign masters of our fate. Only God is sovereign. His sovereign control is called “providence.” He has chosen to give us a free will, and He has created a moral universe in which the law of cause-and-effect is a reality. But God is God alone, and there are no accident in the universe.

An all-wise, all-powerful God must have a plan, so it should be no surprise that the Bible speaks of a divine plan. God’s plan, since it belongs to God, is holy, wise, and benevolent. The providence of God is working to bring about His original plan for creation.

God speaks in Isaiah 48:3, “I foretold the former things long ago, / my mouth announced them and I made them known; / then suddenly I acted, and they came to pass.” What God announces, He does (and He may announce it centuries ahead of time.  

Fighting against the plan of God is pointless. “There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan / that can succeed against the LORD” (Proverbs 21:30). This is why the Tower of Babel was never completed (Genesis 11:1-9), why Daniel’s detractors were thrown to the lions (Daniel 6:24), why Jonah spent time inside a fish (Jonah 1:17) and why I get trouble when I sin.

Even what we would normally call “chance” or “fate” is under God’s control. “The lot is cast into the lap, / but its every decision is from the LORD” (Proverbs 16:33). In other words, God does not take a “hands-off” approach to running the world.

Everything that happens in the world is made to work out according to God’s purpose. Evil exists, but it is not allowed to thwart God’s providence. God uses even sinful men for His purposes. “The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD; / he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases” (Proverbs 21:1). God worked in the hearts of the Egyptians (Exodus 12:36) and King Artaxerxes (Ezra 7:27) to bring about His purpose. Even when Man’s intent is purely evil, God can still bring about His will, as in the case of those who crucified Jesus (Acts 2:23,4:27-28).

 God’s plan includes a reward for those who trust in Him, and He promises to glorify His children. “We speak of God’s secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. . . . As it is written: ‘No eye has seen, / no ear has heard, / no mind has conceived / what God has prepared for those who love him’” (1 Corinthians 2:7-9). Note the use of the word destined in this passage—and that it’s a destiny based on our love for the Lord.

Fate and Destiny -An Individual Plan:

God’s sovereignty reaches even to a plan for our individual lives. This is illustrated in God’s calling of Jeremiah—before the prophet was even born. “The word of the LORD came to me, saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, / before you were born I set you apart; / I appointed you as a prophet to the nations” (Jeramiah 1:4-5)

David also recognized that the Lord had a plan for him. “Your eyes saw my unformed body. / All the days ordained for me / were written in your book / before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16). Because of this knowledge, David sought the Lord’s specific guidance in many situations, such as in 1 Samuel 23:9-12.

Fate and Destiny -Putting it all together.

In Acts 9, Jesus appears to Saul of Tarsus with an interesting statement: “It is hard for you to kick against the goads” (verse 5). Jesus obviously had a plan for Saul, and Saul had been (painfully) resisting it. Exercising our freedom against God’s plan can be painful. 

 Later, Jesus tells Saul that a man named Ananias would come to visit —and then Jesus tells Ananias (verses 11-12)! Obviously, Jesus had a pre-arranged plan for Ananias as well. Now, Ananias didn’t want to visit Saul (verse 13-14). He could have been like Jonah and run the other way. If that had been his choice, God would have had a “fish” prepared to bring him back. Fortunately, Ananias obeyed (verse 17). Exercising our freedom to follow God’s plan brings a blessing. 

 In summary, the Bible teaches that God is in charge. At the same time, He has given us the freedom to obey or disobey Him, and there are some things that God does only in answer to prayer (James 4:2).

God blesses the obedient, and He is patient with those who disobey, even to the point of seeming laxity. He has a plan for our lives, which includes our joy and His glory both in this world and in the world to come. Those who accept Christ as Savior have accepted God’s plan (John 14:6). From then on, it’s a step-by-step following of God’s best for us, praying for His will to be done (Matthew 6:10), and avoiding the sidetrack of sin (Psalm 32:1-11; 119:59; Hebrews 12:1-2).

What does the Bible say about respect?

ANSWER

The apostle Peter summarizes the Bible’s teaching on respect in his first Epistle: “Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honour the king” (1 Peter 2:17). This passage encompasses four major areas of our lives, teaching us that, as followers of Christ, we should respect all people, other Christians, God, and governmental authorities. The word respect is a translation of the Greek word timēsate, meaning “honour or value.” It literally means “to place a great value or high price on something.” Interestingly, today we tend to place our values on our personal rights and the equality of humanity. However, biblical respect is far different, more about a perceived inequality in that we recognize that some things and some people are more important than we. (Compare Philippians 2:3).

To respect everyone, believers must be conscious that God has created all people in His image, regardless of whether they believe in Christ. We should show them proper respect and honor because their souls are of more value than all the wealth in the world (Luke 10:33-34,1Corintghian10:33:34)

Loving the brotherhood of believers means to love all believers, regardless of color, nationality, opinions, or affiliations. We are to demonstrate to the world that we love our brothers and sisters in Christ. The apostle John wrote of this principle a number of times. Quoting Jesus, he writes, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another”John 13:34-35,John3:23)

The word fear is a translation of the Greek word phobeisthe, meaning “fear, dread, and respect.” The word also implies that our fear of Him leads us to total obedience (Leviticus 18:4; Psalm 119:67; John 14:15). Though we are to honor the king, we should “fear” God (compare Deuteronomy 10:12; Isaiah 8:13). The bottom line is that it is God alone whom we Should fear in the sense of having an awed respect.

We honour and respect our governing authorities because they exist by the very will of God (Romans 13:1–7). Such respect must be given whether we agree with them or not. Those in authority are God’s instruments for carrying out the purpose of governing and worthy of the respect God mandates. When we obey the principles of this passage, we give genuine credibility to our faith. As believers, we are to honour our governing authorities and their rights as such. But we may not give to the government those rights that belong to God alone (Luke 20:25).

Christians are to be a people of order and discipline, of righteousness and justice. We are to be dynamic examples of love and peace so that others may be won to Christ and be saved for eternity (Matthew 5:14–16). Part of living as examples of Christ before the watching world is showing respect to others.

What does the Bible say about Christian character?

 

ANSWER: Character is defined as strength of moral Nature. A.W. Tozer described character as “the excellence of moral beings.” As the excellence of gold is its purity and the excellence of art is its beauty, so the excellence of man is his character. Persons of character are noted for their honesty, ethics, and charity. Descriptions such as “man of principle” and “woman of integrity” are assertions of character. A lack of character is moral deficiency, and persons lacking character tend to behave dishonestly, unethically, and uncharitably.

A person’s character is the sum of his or her disposition, thoughts, intentions, desires, and actions. It is good to remember that character is gauged by general tendencies, not on the basis of a few isolated actions. We must look at the whole life. For example, King David was a man of good character (1 Samuel 13:14) although he sinned on occasion (2 Samuel 11). And although King Ahab may have acted nobly once (1 Kings 22:35), he was still a man of overall bad character (1 Kings 16:33). Several people in the Bible are described as having noble character: Ruth (Ruth 3:11), Hanani (Nehemiah 7:2), David (Psalm 78:72), and Job (Job 2:3). These individuals’ lives were distinguished by persistent moral virtue.

Character is influenced and developed by our choices. Daniel “resolved not to defile himself” in Babylon (Daniel 1:8), and that godly choice was an important step in formulating an unassailable integrity in the young man’s life. Character, in turn, influences our choices. “The integrity of the upright guides them” (Proverbs 11:3a). Character will help us weather the storms of life and keep us from sin (Proverbs 10:9a).

It is the Lord’s purpose to develop character within us. “The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart” (Proverbs 17:3). Godly character is the result of the Holy Spirit’s work of sanctification. Character in the believer is a consistent manifestation of Jesus in his life. It is the purity of heart that God gives becoming purity in action. God sometimes uses trials to strengthen character: “we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4). The Lord is pleased when His children grow in character. “You test the heart and are pleased with integrity” (1 Chronicles 29:17; see also Psalm 15:1-2).

We can develop character by controlling our thoughts (Philippians 4:8), practicing Christian virtues (2 Peter 1:5-6), guarding our hearts (Proverbs 4:23; Matthew 15:18-20), and keeping good company (1 Corinthians 15:33). Men and women of character will set a good example for others to follow, and their godly reputation will be evident to all (Titus 2:7-8).

What does it mean that friendship with the world is enmity with God (James 4:4)?

 After observing rampant worldliness in the lives of his readers, James launches into a warning (James 4:1–17) with this harsh assessment:

“You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” (James 4:4, ESV). Enmity is animosity, the state of being actively opposed to someone.

A common biblical metaphor for spiritual unfaithfulness in our relationship with God is adultery (e.g., Jeremiah 3:20; Ezekiel 16). Nowhere is this imagery more evident than in the book of Hosea (Hosea 2:1–23). While God showed unfailing love to Israel, they responded with faithlessness, immorality, and idolatry.

Scripture depicts God as the husband of His people (Isaiah 54:5; 2 Corinthians 11:2) and believers as His bride (Jeremiah 2:2; 2; Ephesians 5:22–33; Revelation 21:7, 9). So, when James calls his readers “adulterers and adulteresses” (James 4:4, NKJV), the implication is clear. To the God who has loved His people unsparingly and relentlessly, what could be more painful than their heartless betrayal?

James calls out a challenge to people who have turned their hearts away from God and fallen in love with the world.

When he speaks of “the world,” he means the world system or world order, consisting of people whose beliefs, values, and morals are in opposition and rebellion to God’s. The goals and objectives of “the world” are in direct contrast to God’s commands. To cling to the world/people of the world is to choose enmity with God.

James warns believers not to cultivate a lifestyle that resembles “friendship with the world/people of this wprld.” We must never pursue the ideals, morals, goals, or purposes of the world /people of this world but instead “seek first [God’s] kingdom and his righteousness” (Matthew 6:33).

Through repetition, James emphasizes that “friendship with the world/people of this world /world system is enmity with God” and “whoever wishes to be a friend of the world /people of this world /world system makes himself an enemy of God.” With the same Greek word translated “enmity” in James 4:4, Paul denounces the worldly mindset: “The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God” (Romans 8:7–8).

We must be careful not to deceive ourselves into thinking that we can live in close fellowship with God and, at the same time, set our hearts on the things of this world/people of this world/world system.

We must “remember what happened to Lot’s wife!” (Luke 17:32, NLT). The apostle Paul teaches Christians to cultivate a singular focus: “Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:1–3, NLT).

What does friendship with the world/people of this world /world system look like? How can we be sure we’re not setting ourselves up to be enemies of God?. Let us check keeping in view the above worlds of God.

One clear indication that we have made friends with the world is our behaviour.

Are we acting like the people of the world? Do we quarrel, covet, and fight (James 4:1–2)?

Do we “harbour bitter envy and selfish ambition” in our hearts?

Do we “boast” and “deny the truth?”

Do we “find disorder and every evil practice” in our lives?

Or instead, do we display “deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom?”

Are we “peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere”

(James 3:13–18)? Friendship with the world/people of this world rubs off on our character/overwrite our character.

If anything, or anyone takes a more important place in our lives than our relationship with God and Jesus Christ, we have probably entered into friendship with the world and enmity with God.

One commentator writes, “Love for God and love for the world are mutually exclusive” (Dibelius, M., & Greeven, H., James: A Commentary on the Epistle of James, Fortress Press, 1976, p. 220).

Jesus confirmed, “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other” (Matthew 6:24).

Pursuing friendship with the world puts us at odds with God and in danger of forfeiting our souls (Mark 8:36). On the other hand, if we seek intimate fellowship with Jesus by giving up our own way, taking up our cross and following Him, we gain everything we need in this life and in the one to come.

If we try to hang on to the old worldly way of life, Jesus said we will end up losing everything. But if we give up our lives to cultivate friendship with Christ for the sake of the gospel, then we gain salvation and everlasting life with Him (Mark 8:35).

What dead to sin and alive to God means?

 What do you mean by dead to sin and alive to God ?

 How would you describe the persistence of sin in your life? Many Christians, even though they are sincerely committed to following Christ, continue to live with besetting sins. They continue to feel as if they are powerless to overcome the impulse to act against God's commands and their own better judgment. It's easy to believe this is just the way things are. Nobody's perfect, right? Pretending like we are feels self-righteous or hypocritical. Popular culture accepts, and sometimes celebrates, the fact that we each have our deep and personal hang ups. Everyone has a skeleton in her closet. It's not a matter of if you have an addiction, a secret indulgence, a private vice. It's a matter of which one and when it will come to light. If this is true, maybe we should just accept our weaknesses and embrace them as part of who we are.

But here the Scriptures stop us. A persistent theme of the New Testament, especially in the letters by Paul, is that the sinful habits we find so hard to shake are not an integral part of us. We are not condemned to sin forever. Instead, Paul insists that Christians can be "dead to sin." As John Wesley explained it, this means being "[f]reed both from the guilt and from the power of it." That's a counter-cultural message in a society convinced we're all broken beyond repair.

Dead in Sin

It is true that left to our own devices we are all doomed to struggle unsuccessfully against our sinful tendencies. That's because before we can ever hope to be "dead to sin," all of us are born "dead in sin." Paul writes in Ephesians 2:1 that before we become Christians, we are all "dead in [our] transgressions and sins." Of course he does not mean that we are physically dead. Rather, the life of a person who has not experienced new life in Christ is characterized by spiritual death. This means that person is separated from God's salvation. But it also means that it is impossible for that person to produce spiritual fruit, to show signs of life. Imagine such a person as a dead branch broken from a tree in a storm. Where it lies on the ground, separated from its source of nourishment, it will never again produce tender buds or green leaves or sweet fruit.

The Reformation theologian John Calvin summarized the situation this way in his commentary on Ephesians 2:1: "He [Paul] does not mean simply that they were in danger of death; but he declares that it was a real and present death under which they labored. As spiritual death is nothing else than the alienation of the soul from God, we are all born as dead men, and we live as dead men, until we are made partakers of the life of Christ."

According to Romans 5, we are in this predicament because of the sin of the first human, Adam. Sin entered the world "through one man [Adam], and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people" (Rom. 5:12). Now the only way we can find liberation from sin is through death, for "anyone who has died has been set free from sin" (Rom. 6:7). As if that were not bad news enough, matters get worse. If we die physically without being reconciled to God through Christ, then we also die spiritually and spend eternity separated from him.

So there we are: because of the sin of Adam, we are that broken branch, separated from our source of life. And as a branch is helpless to change its circumstances, so are we. Humans are totally dependent upon God for life. Without his intervention, we will be forever dead in sin.

Dead to Sin

That's the bad news. But Paul also delivers very good news. Remember that the only way to be free of sin is through death. Fortunately there is a way to die to sin without suffering physical death. Paul explains in Romans 6 that those who are in Christ, by faith and through baptism (v. 3), participate in his death on the cross. "For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin" (v. 6). In other words, because Christ died, those who are united with Christ have died, too. Moreover, Christ did not stay dead; God raised him from the dead. And just as we participate in Christ's death through faith, we also participate in his resurrection: "Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him" (v. 8).

This makes us "dead to sin" and "alive to God in Christ Jesus" (v. 11). Being dead to sin means that sin no longer has jurisdiction over us. Returning to the image of the dead branch, imagine that it has been grafted onto a live tree by a master gardener. Now its brittle limbs become limber again. It produces buds and leaves and fruit. Although it was previously characterized by death, now it is characterized by life. In Christ, all is made new. Though in our natural condition we are dead in sin, through Christ we are dead to sin.

Living Alive to Christ

Paul seems to prefer to use the more positive image and say that we are now "alive to God in Christ." And he insists that this transition from death to life has already taken place—really and truly—in the death and resurrection of Christ. It has happened in the spiritual realm, the "heavenlies." And that means, of course, that we can't witness this change with our naked eyes. If I become a Christian on Tuesday, I may not feel all that different on Wednesday. It's true that some new believers are immediately and radically delivered from previous sins. I grew up on a steady diet of conversion testimonies in which such stories were told: a man was an alcoholic and philanderer until one day—wham—just like that he makes a clean start. This wasn't my experience. For the rest of us, transition may be much less dramatic. But that makes it no less real.

Paul knew very well that his readers were likely converts of the less dramatic sort. In fact, that's the point of his entire discussion in this section of Romans. After explaining the metaphysical realities of our association with Christ in his death and resurrection, Paul brings the point home. "In the same way," he writes, "count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 6:11). In other words, it's not enough simply to know that we are new creations; we have to embrace the concept, and that means changing our behavior.

At this point Paul gives two commands in the active voice: "do not let sin reign" in your bodies and "Do not offer any part of yourself to sin" (vv. 12-13). To keep on sinning would be inconsistent with your new character as one who is "dead to sin." It would be a bit like speaking in a phony accent. To be dead to sin means sin is alien to us. It's out of character.

What Paul is getting at here is that we have to take active steps in order to stop sinning. The power of sin is broken, which means that we can have success in our striving against sin. Our shackles have been unlocked. But we have to take the steps to leave the dungeon. In other words, all our struggles and weaknesses don't vanish when we become Christians. The life of faith will always involve temptation. It will also likely include falling short. But we can struggle knowing that victory is secured in Christ.

Giving the Spirit a Fighting Chance

In other places, Paul uses the metaphor of clothing to describe the way Christians ought to think about their relationship to sin. He encourages them to "take off" the old nature (sin) and "put on" virtues appropriate for a new creation in Christ (Eph. 4:22-32; Col. 3:8-10). This is more easily said than done. Old habits die hard. If we want to let Christ reign in our lives through the Holy Spirit, then we have to make a concerted effort to abandon the behaviors that characterize being dead to sin.

For centuries, Christians have used spiritual disciplines such as prayer and fasting to achieve a life of victory over sin. The disciplines orient the heart and will toward Christ and weaken the power of sin. They aren't magic spells. And they don't accomplish anything on their own. God uses them to do his work in us. In his now classic book Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster explains, "God has given us the Disciplines of the spiritual life as a means of receiving his grace. The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that he can transform us." All this is to say that actively "putting off" our old, sinful behaviors and "putting on" the new behaviors characteristic of life in Christ help break our sin habits. Spiritual disciplines give the Holy Spirit a chance to produce spiritual fruit in our lives.

If you are a Christian who continues to struggle with sin you just can't shake, don't lose hope. Don't buy the world's message that sin is inevitable. Take heart from Paul's extraordinary claim: "you have been raised with Christ" (Col. 3:1)! As far as God is concerned, you are dead to sin, freed from its power. Like the prodigal son who finally looked up from the mud and slop of the pigsty to realize that he did not belong there, embrace your identity as a child of God made alive to Christ. And strive knowing God has already won the victory.

God bless you..

Should a married person have a close friend of the opposite sex?

Genesis 2:23-24 describes the creation of marriage with verse 24 revealing the closeness of relationship that a husband and wife share: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” The marriage relationship is to be honored as the most significant, yet a husband and wife will still have other relationships. Should married men and women only have relationships with those of the same sex? Is it sinful for a married person to have a close friend of the opposite sex?

God designed marriage to be a unique union between a man and a woman in a covenant for life. God’s design for marriage includes sex, the consummation of that union, which is to be experienced only between a married man and woman. Any sexual expression outside the marriage covenant is sin. Yet, God calls believers to have meaningful relationships in the body of Christ. Married or single, male or female, believers are called to have relationships—same sex and opposite sex—that reflect Christ to the world by our love for one another (John 13:35).

Believers are a family (Ephesians 2:19), and God calls us into meaningful relationships with each other. Our love for one another is governed by loving God and loving each other as brothers and sisters in Christ (1 Timothy 5:1–2). The Bible speaks of the value of friends (Proverbs 18:24; 27:17; Ecclesiastes 4:9) and gives us dozens of “one another” commands showing us how to relate to each another. We are called to love one another (John 13:34; Romans 13:8), serve one another (Galatians 5:13), encourage one another (1 Thessalonians 4:18), and spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24). These instructions are for all believers, not simply those of the same sex.

At the same time, having a close friend of the opposite sex has led many into sin. First Corinthians 6:16 instructs us to “flee from sexual immorality,” and Ephesians 5:3 declares that there “must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, impurity, or greed” among us. These are strong warnings. The many failures of men and women of God over the centuries reveal the reason God warned so clearly of the dangers of temptation in opposite-gender relationships.

What should be the response then? Should a married person not have any close friends of the opposite sex? Clearly, it is not God’s will for us to cut ourselves off from meaningful relationships with 50 percent of the world’s population the moment we get married. Still, there are clear barriers that should not be trespassed, and it is wise to not even come close to those barriers.

Some have chosen to live by what is commonly known as the “Billy Graham rule” of not allowing yourself to ever be alone with a member of the opposite sex other than your spouse or an immediate family member. This is a good option and will surely minimize opportunities for temptation and/or accusations. For this reason, many pastors and counselors avoid meeting alone with a member of the opposite sex. They ask an additional person to be present in the room, and, if the door must be closed, they make sure the room has a window. Setting such personal boundaries is wise, and having rules that go beyond the scriptural prohibition is likely the right decision for some.

Care should be taken, though, that following personal rules does not result in legalism. The biblical commands are “Do not commit adultery” and “Flee temptation.” However, there is a difference between explicit commands and personal applications. “Never, under any circumstance, be alone with a person of the opposite sex” is not a biblical command. Neither is “Never be vulnerable or have any degree of emotional intimacy with a person of the opposite sex.” Developing biblical convictions that work for us is good and right. But they may not be the same convictions that God desires for everyone else. Our personal convictions should not be treated as if they were universal biblical commands.

For those in Christian leadership, even more care should be taken. Christian leaders are to be “above reproach” and have a “good reputation with outsiders” (1 Timothy 3:1–7). Accusations, even when proven false, can have a devastating impact on a ministry. Therefore, ministers should do everything possible to not give anyone an opportunity to slander (Matthew 5:11; 1 Peter 3:16). Keeping that in mind, 1 Peter 5:1 instructs elders to shepherd the flock, not half of the flock. Can a flock truly thrive if half of the sheep lack meaningful contact with the shepherd?

With all that said, here are some principles to consider:

• We have to stop looking at people of the opposite sex as potential objects to fulfill our lusts. Men and women are to relate to each other in meaningful and appropriate ways. We are to see those of the opposite sex as fellow bearers of God’s image (Genesis 1:26–27) and believers of the opposite sex as our brothers or sisters.

• If married, we have to give our spouse priority in all relationships (Genesis 2:24). We should never seek to get something from an opposite-sex friend that we are not receiving from our spouse. We must always be open and honest with our spouse regarding our relationships—all of them, not just those that involve the opposite sex. If your spouse has concerns about a relationship, take those concerns seriously.

• While we must be careful to not even give the “appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22), we can’t constantly worry about how everything might be misperceived by others. Romans 14:4 declares, “Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.” We must live above approach and seek to please God not man (1 Thessalonians 2:4).

• Men and women are different. If you only spend time with people of the same sex, you run the risk of creating an echo chamber. It is important to have meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex. They will see different things in and about you. They will encourage, love, serve, and spur you differently. They may even notice areas of needed change that your spouse has grown accustomed to—or that you’ve ignored when your spouse pointed them out.

The Bible clearly calls us to have meaningful relationships in the body of Christ. We will be spending eternity worshiping and serving God together. Male and female are one in Christ (Galatians 3:28). Yes, we should set safeguards to protect our reputation. Absolutely, we must flee temptation. But impactful relationships in the body of Christ, male and female, married or single, can be beneficial, edifying, encouraging, and most importantly, honoring and glorifying to God.

God bless you!

Is opposite sex friendship is ok?

THE BILLY GRAHAM RULE: SHOULD YOU HAVE OPPOSITE-SEX FRIENDSHIP

God wants us to have friends. And that can include having opposite-sex friendships. But those friendships should come with boundaries.

In This Series:

• 1. Should You Have Opposite-Sex Friendships — or Vacation With Someone of the Opposite Sex?
• 2. One Christian Woman’s Response to Vice President Pence’s Commitment to Follow the Billy Graham Rule

In 2017 when Vice President Mike Pence said that he never spends time alone with a woman who’s not his wife, everyone was talking about the “Billy Graham Rule.”

Lots of the commenters didn’t seem to like the rule. It’s sexist, they said, or they argued that it was outdated to the way we live and work today. I disagree. And while my wife, Erin, and I don’t follow Dr. Graham’s “rule” to the letter, we’ve incorporated its spirit into our own lives.

I know the “Greg Smalley Guideline” doesn’t have quite the same ring as the “Billy Graham Rule.” But I hope that how Erin and I handle this really ticklish topic might help you, too.

Are opposite-sex friendships OK?

Check out Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV): “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another — and all the more as you see the Day approaching,”

Here’s another, from Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians (5:11): “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

God wants us to have friends. He wants us to be in relationship with one another. And I believe that can include opposite-sex friendships. But those friendships should come with some pretty important stipulations.

First, those friendships shouldn’t be close friendships — the sort of friendships that entail a lot of one-on-one contact or where you’re sharing intimate details of your life with each other. That can get you into trouble in a hurry. Opposite-sex friendships should be casual friendships: Your time together is infrequent and, when you do see each other, you are guided by strong boundaries that your spouse and you have previously agreed to (see below).

Second — and really, this should go without saying — those friendships should be completely out in the open. No secrets. No sneaking or skulking around. If you’re hiding a relationship from your spouse, that should set off some serious alarms.

Third, not only should your spouse know, your spouse should bless the friendship. You need to give your husband or wife a relational trump card. If they feel like the relationship is a problem, then guess what: It is. Never tell your spouse that he or she is paranoid or jealous. Don’t shut the conversation down. Talk it through. And if the friendship is a problem, you should end it immediately. If you can’t end it — if you and your friend have to work together — set some strong boundaries that you and your spouse agree on.

These aren’t easy conversations to have with your spouse. It’s easy to become angry, defensive or dismissive. And trust me, I know all about how these talks can go wrong.

An example from our marriage

Twice in our marriage, Erin has come to me with concerns about my friendships with female co-workers (neither of whom worked at Focus on the Family, by the way). And frankly, I responded defensively both times.

“Don’t you trust me?” I asked her. “What do you think I am, an idiot?”

I interpreted her concern as an indictment on me. She doubts my integrity, I thought. And a lot of spouses respond in a similarly defensive way. They either take the concerns personally or they place all the blame on the other person, calling him or her jealous, controlling or paranoid. All that insecurity, blame and defensiveness leads to even more relational disconnect, and oftendr-greg-smalley

just like it did for Erin and me. And that only reinforced Erin’s concern and fear.

If your spouse raises concerns, you might think about it this way: You can be a great driver, but it still doesn’t hurt to have a car with antilock brakes. You can be a talented woodworker, but you should still wear safety glasses when you’re working with a lathe. And it’s the same with opposite-sex friendships — safety first. Erin needed some extra assurance that I dismissed in that moment.

Eventually, we were able to sit down and really talk about the issue. I put aside my defensiveness and was able to sincerely hear what Erin was telling me. From that conversation, I was able to talk about having some good, strong boundaries with women at work.

Some guidelines for opposite-sex friendships

I’ve mentioned the word “boundaries” a couple of times already. Just what exactly do those boundaries look like in opposite-sex friendships? Consider the following:

Make your relationship with your spouse your priority

No relationship — even the one you share with your husband or wife — can be your “everything.” No one person can fill every relational need. But tending to the friendship you have with your spouse should take precedence over every other relationship you have outside the family.

Cultivate and maintain your same-sex friendships

Those should make up your closest, most rewarding friendships.

Build shared social networks with your spouse

Invite your opposite-sex friend to dinner, along with his or her spouse or a guest. Go to baseball games together. Instead of nurturing a friendship with a woman or man outside of your marriage, better to befriend a couple, where you can all get together to share life and companionship.

Be careful about your interactions

Don’t take an opposite-sex work colleague out to lunch alone, and never take a business trip with only him or her if you can help it. If you can’t avoid those situations, build some strong boundaries. If you’re interacting with an opposite-sex friend or colleague online, make sure there’s a legitimate reason for the communication.

To be blunt, I don’t think you have any business “casually” texting the opposite sex. If I’m trying to banter or joke, I always make it a point to include others and make it a group text. That’s just being safe.

Take honest stock of yourself

Be aware of your own weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and heed warning signs that this friendship might be veering into dangerous waters. For instance, do you ever fantasize about your “friend”? Are you exchanging highly personal information with him or her? Are you hiding the relationship in some way — deleting texts so your spouse won’t see them?

Set guidelines for how you should behave around members of the opposite sex

Ask these questions:

• How do you feel about opposite-sex friendships in our marriage? How might they be appropriate and helpful? What would make them inappropriate?
• How do you feel about opposite-sex relationships at work? How might these be different from outside-of-work friendships?
• When interacting with the opposite sex, what are your expectations for me (i.e., off-limit places, inappropriate topics, how often I spend time with that person, etc.)? What are your expectations with opposite-sex work relationships?
• What rules do you feel are important to have in an opposite-sex friendship? At work? Outside of work?

The spirit behind these guidelines is important, and you should incorporate that spirit into your marriage. No friendship — new or old — is worth damaging your relationship with your spouse.